Last Monday I was just too busy and it caused me to have a tear in the placenta and my uterus. Which you can read about here. I was put on bed rest and even though I hated every moment of it, I did as asked and stayed down. On Thursday (3/28/13) at 6:30pm my mom, dad, Mr. Sonboul and the boys, all took off to see the science fair projects at the school. While they were gone I was to take a nap, but about 10 minutes after they left I felt a sharp pain in my back. Something I didn't experiences on Monday. I knew what it meant and I went to the bathroom. There was even more blood than on Monday.
I rushed to the phone and called Mr.Sonboul and said with tears running down my face "I'm bleeding again". They all rushed home and off he and I went to the ER again, for the second time in one week. I called my BFF and she met us there. The check-in was awful and I tried to not cry in the waiting room. They took me in for my 3rd vaginal ultrasound in 1 week and it hurt SO bad. I tried to be tough, but the blood running down my legs humiliated me and I just broke down. The girl doing the test was cold and I could tell... there wasn't a heart beat anymore and that her coldness, was her trying not to reveal any info. I was then wheeled back into the waiting room and after a long wait (almost 2 hours total from check-in to the ER room), I was finally taken in. Seeing the room we got and knowing how long the doctor was taking... I knew the baby had died.
The Doctor finally walked in (which he was a lovely man), gently put his hand on my knee and said "I'm so sorry Mrs. Sonboul, but there isn't a heart beat anymore and the baby has passed away". Hearing those words were the most crushing words I have ever heard. I curled up into a ball and sobbed. I stopped paying attention to the time and with Mr. Sonboul's arms wrapped around me, I let it all out. Mira (my bff), Mr. Sonboul and I all sobbed. I felt like I couldn't breath and I felt like I let my baby down. The phone in the room rang and it was the doctor on call (for my doctor out of town). I heard the Doctor attending to us in the ER say "She isn't ready yet. She is still mourning, can you please call back in 15 minutes".
When I calmed down, the very kind ER doctor talked about our options and after hearing them, I decided to go home to pass the baby naturally. We got home at 2am (Friday) and right after my parents left, Bradley and Calvin woke up. We shared the terrible news and we all cried together as a family for about an hour. Calvin took it the hardest, because he wanted to be a big brother SO bad. We hugged each other and then went to bed.
As heart broken as I am, I have to explain that I felt comforted. It's almost as if our Father in Heaven was preparing me for this moment my whole life and especially over this last month.
- That as a teen I thought "I wonder which family member will have a miscarriage"...being that we have so many nieces and nephews and no one had ever had one (Which is a weird thought for a teen).
- That earlier this month I felt that something big was coming and I wanted to make sure I had all the items we needed for Easter. I went and bought all the chocolate bunnies and treats, which is something I ALWAYS leave to the last minute.
- That I thought to record the ultra sound on my phone (on Monday) of the babies heat beat, right before it all went down.
- That 2 Sundays ago I had two VERY close friends experience what I went through "on the same day". One had an issue with a tear in the placenta and uterus, and the other had a miscarriage. At the time I thought "that is so weird to have two friends have this happen on the same day". I even said out loud "It's almost like Heavenly Father is trying to warn me or prepare me".
We let the boys play hooky on Friday and we just took it easy. We spent a lot of time snuggling and crying. It was just the way I wanted it to be. Later that night we said "good night" to the boys and around 8:30pm I felt the sharpest pain in my back! For the next 3 hours I was in labor...at home and stupid us... we didn't get the pain killers filled! It was all back labor and no matter how hard I tried to be tough, each contraction took my breath away. Mr. Sonboul stayed by my side and rubbed my back the whole time. Seeing his heart broken face, made me cry even more. I could tell he was trying to be brave, but was hurting for me. I passed a lot of "stuff", but little did I know... it was no where near over. Saturday night came and I was back in labor again! This time we had the pain killers, but the pain was so bad... I felt it through the meds. At 11pm on Saturday night I had one last BIG contraction and the baby came out. The most crushing part was that I had to pass the baby on the toilet and flush it like a dead fish. I know that the tiny spirit was gone, but it still hurt so bad doing it this way and the next morning I passed the placenta.
It's hard to describe these feelings and everyone that experiences a miscarriage has a different story. What I do know is that I'm not angry. Even though I feel crushed right now... I feel the spirit so strong. That even in that last push and contraction, I felt comforted. I know 100% that our Father has a plan and even if I can't 100% understand it, his spirit was with me the whole time. I miss the baby and I loved the baby. It loved warm food, hated fast food, loved sleeping and taking naps (these were all my pregnancy symptoms with the baby). It was most likely going to have the softest skin ever, because it dried the heck out of my skin! All the Chinese gender charts said it was going to be another boy and the best part...Before I miscarried (early on Thursday morning while laying still on the couch), I felt it move. It was a small little flutter that was almost like a little "hello". It wasn't gas... it was the baby. It was almost as if Heavenly Father was allowing me to say "hello", before the big goodbye. It is a moment I'll never forget. It was a perfect and sweet moment...just what I needed to endure all the pain.
Now to all my dear family and friends. THANK YOU for all the beautiful flowers from across the country and all the sweet heart warming letters, thoughts and calls. Thank you for feeding our family, so that Mr. Sonboul can tend to the boys. As I laid heart broken in bed, I would read those comments and experiences and I found comfort in them. THANK YOU to my mom and dad who practically picked up my falling apart life and held it together. For helping the boys with homework and taking them to and from school. For making our favorite meals, cleaning our home and keeping me down. For watching the boys while we were in the ER. THANK YOU Bradley and Calvin for all the hugs and kisses. You always know how to make mommy feel better. THANK YOU Mr. Sonboul for loving me and creating this life with me. For not leaving my side as we said goodbye and holding me at night and in the saddest moments of all.
I don't know how long I'll feel like the world is spinning around me, but each day is getting better. I truly do know that our Father in Heaven has a plan for this tiny spirits that left us too soon. I am grateful for the comfort I received in such an awful loss. I am grateful for being a family that is sealed together forever. I am grateful for this tender baby who we will always remember.