4/07/2013

I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye.

Where do I start other than... my heart is broken.

Last Monday I was just too busy and it caused me to have a tear in the placenta and my uterus. Which you can read about here. I was put on bed rest and even though I hated every moment of it, I did as asked and stayed down. On Thursday (3/28/13) at 6:30pm my mom, dad, Mr. Sonboul and the boys, all took off to see the science fair projects at the school. While they were gone I was to take a nap, but about 10 minutes after they left I felt a sharp pain in my back. Something I didn't experiences on Monday. I knew what it meant and I went to the bathroom. There was even more blood than on Monday.

I rushed to the phone and called Mr.Sonboul and said with tears running down my face "I'm bleeding again". They all rushed home and off he and I went to the ER again, for the second time in one week. I called my BFF and she met us there. The check-in was awful and I tried to not cry in the waiting room. They took me in for my 3rd vaginal ultrasound in 1 week and it hurt SO bad. I tried to be tough, but the blood running down my legs humiliated me and I just broke down. The girl doing the test was cold and I could tell... there wasn't a heart beat anymore and that her coldness, was her trying not to reveal any info.  I was then wheeled back into the waiting room and after a long wait (almost 2 hours total from check-in to the ER room), I was finally taken in. Seeing the room we got and knowing how long the doctor was taking... I knew the baby had died.

The Doctor finally walked in (which he was a lovely man), gently put his hand on my knee and said "I'm so sorry Mrs. Sonboul, but there isn't a heart beat anymore and the baby has passed away". Hearing those words were the most crushing words I have ever heard. I curled up into a ball and sobbed. I stopped paying attention to the time and with Mr. Sonboul's arms wrapped around me, I let it all out. Mira (my bff), Mr. Sonboul and I all sobbed. I felt like I couldn't breath and I felt like I let my baby down. The phone in the room rang and it was the doctor on call (for my doctor out of town). I heard the Doctor attending to us in the ER say "She isn't ready yet. She is still mourning, can you please call back in 15 minutes". 

When I calmed down, the very kind ER doctor talked about our options and after hearing them, I decided to go home to pass the baby naturally. We got home at 2am (Friday) and right after my parents left, Bradley and Calvin woke up. We shared the terrible news and we all cried together as a family for about an hour. Calvin took it the hardest, because he wanted to be a big brother SO bad. We hugged each other and then went to bed. 

As heart broken as I am, I have to explain that I felt comforted. It's almost as if our Father in Heaven was preparing me for this moment my whole life and especially over this last month. 

  • That as a teen I thought "I wonder which family member will have a miscarriage"...being that we have so many nieces and nephews and no one had ever had one (Which is a weird thought for a teen). 
  • That earlier this month I felt that something big was coming and I wanted to make sure I had all the items we needed for Easter. I went and bought all the chocolate bunnies and treats, which is something I ALWAYS leave to the last minute. 
  • That I thought to record the ultra sound on my phone (on Monday) of the babies heat beat, right before it all went down. 
  • That 2 Sundays ago I had two VERY close friends experience what I went through "on the same day". One had an issue with a tear in the placenta and uterus, and the other had a miscarriage. At the time I thought "that is so weird to have two friends have this happen on the same day". I even said out loud "It's almost like Heavenly Father is trying to warn me or prepare me".


We let the boys play hooky on Friday and we just took it easy. We spent a lot of time snuggling and crying. It was just the way I wanted it to be. Later that night we said "good night" to the boys and around 8:30pm I felt the sharpest pain in my back! For the next 3 hours I was in labor...at home and stupid us... we didn't get the pain killers filled! It was all back labor and no matter how hard I tried to be tough, each contraction took my breath away. Mr. Sonboul stayed by my side and rubbed my back the whole time. Seeing his heart broken face, made me cry even more. I could tell he was trying to be brave, but was hurting for me. I passed a lot of "stuff", but little did I know... it was no where near over. Saturday night came and I was back in labor again! This time we had the pain killers, but the pain was so bad... I felt it through the meds. At 11pm on Saturday night I had one last BIG contraction and the baby came out. The most crushing part was that I had to pass the baby on the toilet and flush it like a dead fish. I know that the tiny spirit was gone, but it still hurt so bad doing it this way and the next morning I passed the placenta.

It's hard to describe these feelings and everyone that experiences a miscarriage has a different story. What I do know is that I'm not angry. Even though I feel crushed right now... I feel the spirit so strong. That even in that last push and contraction, I felt comforted. I know 100% that our Father has a plan and even if I can't 100% understand it, his spirit was with me the whole time. I miss the baby and I loved the baby. It loved warm food, hated fast food, loved sleeping and taking naps (these were all my pregnancy symptoms with the baby). It was most likely going to have the softest skin ever, because it dried the heck out of my skin! All the Chinese gender charts said it was going to be another boy and the best part...Before I miscarried (early on Thursday morning while laying still on the couch), I felt it move. It was a small little flutter that was almost like a little "hello". It wasn't gas... it was the baby. It was almost as if Heavenly Father was allowing me to say "hello", before the big goodbye. It is a moment I'll never forget. It was a perfect and sweet moment...just what I needed to endure all the pain.

Now to all my dear family and friends. THANK YOU for all the beautiful flowers from across the country and all the sweet heart warming letters, thoughts and calls. Thank you for feeding our family, so that Mr. Sonboul can tend to the boys. As I laid heart broken in bed, I would read those comments and experiences and I found comfort in them. THANK YOU to my mom and dad who practically picked up my falling apart life and held it together. For helping the boys with homework and taking them to and from school. For making our favorite meals, cleaning our home and keeping me down. For watching the boys while we were in the ER. THANK YOU Bradley and Calvin for all the hugs and kisses. You always know how to make mommy feel better. THANK YOU Mr. Sonboul for loving me and creating this life with me. For not leaving my side as we said goodbye and holding me at night and in the saddest moments of all.

I don't know how long I'll feel like the world is spinning around me, but each day is getting better. I truly do know that our Father in Heaven has a plan for this tiny spirits that left us too soon. I am grateful for the comfort I received in such an awful loss. I am grateful for being a family that is sealed together forever. I am grateful for this tender baby who we will always remember.

~H


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19 comments:

Jennifer Larson said...

I just wanted to let you know that I think you are brave for sharing your story. Too often women keep silent, which leaves those who suffer feeling alone. Thank you for sharing your story, and God be with you in your loss.

LISA said...

Dear Heidi, there may not be any words that I can tell you that will ease your soul. There may not be any way for me to express how sorry I am, that you had to endure the pain of losing a baby. What I can tell you is that you are not alone. After my first child, I wanted another. When I finally got pregnant after 3 years of trying , I endured a miscarriage in the middle of my 3rd month. Heartbroken.That is all I remember.Being broken...I tell you this because you will heal. You may never forget the little baby who is now an angel of God, but you will heal.I can promise you that. You have the love of your family to get you through this. You have the love of your friends. Although I do not know you personally, I want to extend my love, my support and my prayers for you. And if you have a moment, visit http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/
or her Facebook page... https://www.facebook.com/CarlyMarieProjectHeal
It is beautiful and inspirational. Take care of your self. You are not alone...There are some of right at your side {{{{hugs}}}

Michelle said...

I am so so sorry. Thinking of you, my friend. Sending lots of love and hugs. {{{HUGS}}}

Kim said...

Heidi you are amazing! You're such a beautiful women to stay so strong through something so difficult. My heart breaks for you and your family, and I wish I could send some hugs your way, but I know the Lord is keeping you in his arms.

Cynthia B. said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I've been thinking of you and your family, ever since your hubby posted the sad news. Thanks for sharing your story. I can't adequately express my heartbreak for you, but please know that I do send love and support.

Wendy said...

I'm so sorry for your grief and pain but am happy that you have the truth of the gospel to ease the way. You will most likely always miss this baby because it is a part of your family. My first baby was due on Christmas Day and we were so excited, but had a miscarriage at two and a half months. I had four other kids (and at least one other miscarriage) but I still think of that first baby at Christmastime each year. Lots of love and prayers coming your way from me.

wendipooh13 said...

Heidi huge {HUGS} and sooo sorry that you had to go through this, but we have the plan of salvation and isn't it amazing!!! I cried through your post. you are super strong!!!

cornellgj said...

Dear Heidi, You have been in my prayers and thoughts lately. Thank you for sharing your heart. I will pray that you continue to feel comfort. Much love!

Lalo said...

So so so sorry Heidi. I fell into a roller coaster of emotions just reading this post. You are a strong woman to share such a personal story with everyone. Thank-you for sharing. I can hear your positive attitude coming through and believe that you and your family will find peace soon. Sending love and positive energy your way.

Miriam Prantner said...

Thank you for sharing. Sending prayers. Miscarriages are so difficult and they continue to hit you when you least expect it....at milestones, holidays. So glad you have such a wonderful support system.

Stacee Lianna said...

Heidi, I am *so* so sorry for your loss. :[

Elizabeth said...

I am so sorry dear sweet friend. Keep clinging to the Lord Heidi. I will be praying.
e.

The Ark said...

Heidi, You have such wonderful friends and family who are supporting you, Jason and the boys at such a difficult time. What a wonderful blessing to know of Heavenly Father's Plan of Happiness and that your family is sealed together forever. How precious that little spirit must be for Heavenly Father to take him back so soon. Some day you will raise that little spirit just as you would have had if he had been born her on earth. You will always have the sound of the baby's heart beat, what a wonderful gift. Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ will continue to comfort you and your family. You are so strong and close to the Spirit. We love you dearly and continually pray for you and your family. Love, Mom and Dad

Nicole said...

This made me cry. so sorry you had to go through it. It is so hard passing a baby ... I will never forget how I passed mine in the hospital bathroom and threw it in the trash. It's horrifying and whole I know our experiences aren't the same, know that you are not alone and he does have a plan. hugs

Jenn V said...

Thanks for telling your story!! I had my miscarriage in February 2012 and just managed to read a blog post from someone else right around that time. Her blog post was about her miscarriage and how she was pregnant again. It brought me so much hope!! (Now a year later, I'm pregnant) My point is, thank you for sharing!! It is so good for women to share our losses because it is so common, yet SO, SO awful. It is very healing to share as well. I am thankful that the Lord is with you through this experience. We would truly be lost without our lovely Lord Jesus. Praying for you!!!

Jillian Cassity said...

I'm so sorry, Heidi. Reading your story made me cry, I feel so sorry for you and your family, I cannot even imagine. I will be thinking of you all and praying for you!

Cindy deRosier said...

I am so, so, so incredibly sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for all of you. Thank goodness that you have such a wonderful support system and so many people who love you.

Keshet said...

I'm so sorry to hear about this, Heidi. Thinking of you adn your family/

Leslie said...

Oh Heidi, What to say, what to say??? I guess nobody really has words. Even those people who have experienced miscarriages before, don't quite understand how YOU feel because the grieving process and experience of everyone is so different. What I do know is that many appreciate you sharing your story. I think it's far to secretive in our society and people want to talk about it. Reading this made my heart break even more. You are in our continued prayers because that's all we know how to do :( Love you and give those boys a hug for me.